I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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