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Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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