you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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