I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
