Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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