and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
