Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
