i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
