1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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