My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
