She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
