I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
