1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She is in my trunk
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
