I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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