im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
