my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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