Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize