wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
