i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
