She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
