i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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