I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
