my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
