So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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