I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Mom said you looked used
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
