He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
