Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
