Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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