Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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