i need an iv and a liver transplant
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
