It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
