Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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