o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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