I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize