the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
