Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
