Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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