all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
did i walk over a car last night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
