So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize