I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
