and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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