It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
