I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
