Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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