chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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