Don't make out with my wife yet
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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