under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
