Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
