It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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