Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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