u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
