I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We got so high we made milksteak
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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