life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
