Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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