I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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