hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
FUCK WHALES
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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