You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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