You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
