I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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