My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
