I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
