Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
