chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
