My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize