Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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