the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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