Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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