____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
