I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
