yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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