If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
