I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize