So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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