oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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