why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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