Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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