come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize