I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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