I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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