Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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